a funeral this week and a busy week besides. An earth monkey (astrology) gets buried. I enjoyed his company. I will miss him. R.I.P. Michael Steven Reuben Johnson. Gramma Lauras tribe. (She was a cool lady too)
He deserved peace. We all do. But strange thing, though, we have to find a way for it while we live, first. So. If you are struggle(d) like me (download it on the blog for free), there can be peace and hope. Im not giving platitudes, either. I care. My tribes care. Reach out to the people that care. We dont judge. We dont drama. We might not fill your ear with what you WANT to hear, but it will be a worthwhile thing to listen to. Some truth. No coddling. Not doing your homework for you. But you do it. Not toxic. Some Zelda style health hearts. Some Resident Evil potions.
Stay the course gentle pirates.
Land will be a Hoe! But Adrift is gonna screw you harder.
“Look, a golden winged ship is passing me by” Jimi Hendrix himself. No flinging yourself into that metaphorical ocean yall.
People still care.
Pump up The Volume.
Time to Listen to that not give a fuck voice inside and find something you give a fuck about! Heal. Just call us. Us scattered, real peoples. Call or stop by. We will make time. Sure better than attending peoples funerals.
Mike wasnt a suicide (Only God knows) but death hits home and there is plenty hurting.
heard a person say they get tired of going to funerals. All i can say, im glad to be on this side of the flower.
Reach out to random people if you gotta. Health instead of toxicity.
I always thought pantera was dark music. Just being indoctrinated to believe there was rock and then there was this evil metal. It aint really like that yall. Read the lyrics. The rest will be revealed. Trust in the process. Side note : no indoctrinating kids.
In kung Fu Panda (jack black voiced), horace mann was evil. Factory humans arent meant to be bricks in the wall. He had to be trained different.
Metal is not without parts of evil. Its a long discussion to explain that concept to its proper conclusion.
(Im not very big on rap or pop) (never have been)(you do you)
But i look at trajectory. Nirvana introduced me to alot i had missed in music that was worth hearing about. We all found our truths in our unique ways.
If you have ever had a comment deleted from Youtube for no apparent reason. No cusswords. No bad points or inflammatory. Remarks. Still deleted. It reminds you that Pantera is not evil. They hung out with every kind. Jesus did too, in case forgotten. Good old JC, Christian author, bad humaning sir. Oh well.
Be better people. Dont become a hypocrite (requires taking a hard look at ones own self).
there is a difference between being double minded and being twins. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways, we get reminded from the Bible. Yet, some of us were born to have dual, duel, war within ourselves. Its magnetic. Pushmepullyou. Its a built in conflict that could eat you if you would let it. Some dont survive long enough to appreciate that part, that extra gift you were given upon arrival in this earth. When you got here, this was a bonus feature. Not a dysfunction.
My wife is twins too. Life is better this way. It took me years to be ok with my twins. Again, astrology, not the be all end all but interesting. it means diddly but does give insights. I am “leo with gemini rising” or whatevs and she is a twin of sorts with a spike stabber tail. Let me jump “topics” a minute and then reunite these somewhat disparaged ideas. Im in the creative triangle. I have brought more of my triangle within my circles. So creating is a built in twins trait. Creating is my tribe. So once a person is ok with these warring factions within their own selves, true, lasting peace may be achieved.
So creative on the chinese astrology scale. Creative twin on the Western scope of things. Creative lady with a creative western too. (Hang out with us a weekend, you will come out of your shell.)
Ive always been friends with pisces and gemini and libras. The balancing natures. But its super cool to be able to meet up with all these Pisces people. Ive made them laugh through the years some gut busting laughs for certain. Life is a mystery if you cant figure out peace within yourself.
The downside? Live within a twin and its not easy to have peace during storms. Conditioning comes in handy. But peace when it is sunny and 75 degrees is not peace. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. Its peace when that storm, that hurricane, the typhoon, monsoon or volcano is bearing down on a person and its weight is off Atlas’ shoulders but put upon yourself. Peace during that moment is true peace.
Within the war.
Be comfortable with your contradictions.
True peace twins. Let the war rage but you, subtly dont give a f*!$ about it.
I know we give people alot of crap for living in their parents basement. Some situations allow it. Here is a few times where it can be acceptable.
Aging parents. They get older, they dont have alzheimers or dementia or any reason to go to a nursing home. Its nice to be able to help them as well as yourself. Win win. The basic assumption here is if you are working and not just a free loading mooch. If you are a mooch, dont live in your parents basement. So yeah, stick around you hard workers but be mindful to help maintain that house. Man dont work, man dont eat.
Real spot of bad luck. Trouble. it lurks and catches us by surprise. Sometimes we make bad choices, sometimes events happen or life just goes to pot. There are divorces, diseases and disasters that occur to us that makes it hard to keep ones own place. Allow a little leeway for some of these things. So yeah life happens but dont make the bad choices to put yourself in these tight spots insomuch as you can.
Handicapped or diseased or disabled. Again, allow leeway but not a toxic environment.
Thats kind of it.
There are alot of things wrong with the world. A few that are right. There is a few heros from tv and in your own circles. They got in a spot and had to live with relatives. I got in a foreclosure once and had to live with relatives. I lost more than i gained during that time. I lost a friendship with my cousin.
The text on the last night before our new place was ready for the children. We were almost ready for the kids to live with us. We had gotten in the day before. So, one day. The text said our Children were crying to see us or we had promised something and not delivered. My wife started crying. Cousin kept texting. Breaking her heart even more. I took over the texting at this point. I warned them 3 seperate times. Stop this nonsense. My wife feels horrible, you made your point. Wouldnt stop.3 times later, still not stopping. I brought up deeply personal past issues for them. Yeah, it was wrong of me. Respect and boundaries work both ways. See, there was a kid who died, long ago, drinking adults and goofing off and children never mix. I brought that up. Oh man. Lost a side of the family on that deal. Their spouse told my wife that she would destroy me, destroy our children and destroy her. Parted ways with a daughter over that mess. But thats another story.
Step children and step parents and real parents… Its hard to coparent. Its hard to parent when your house was foreclosed and you wound up under another mans roof. Plus, fighting that hard, life is better to be more Solomon like. You know, the one baby dies and the mom of it takes the other baby and swaps the dead for the living. Communal living perks i guess. But he handed down the judgement that they would cut the baby in half. The real mother spoke up and it broke her heart but she cared more about the baby living and being well. Very similar to our decision over that. We werent forced to either and it broke our heart but we made the right decision. It broke some heart pieces off though. We are not without sorrow in this life.
But anyways. It bothers me that i failed my family that bad to put us in foreclosure anyway. I think often about, if i could have just found a way to make it work and change that part. We did stupid things with our money and pain was a great teacher. I wont, nor will she, make those horrible decisions again.toxic. all of it.
What do you all expect from a fighter monkey.? Metal to boot. 1980. You, know, a chinese astrology reference. Doesnt mean much but its interesting.
Im not normal. If you have read 3 of my blog posts, you may have already reached that decision.
I mean who winds up having 65 jobs? I think the Guinness record is 70 something. Look it up yall. Its interesting too.
Grandmas Boy and Employee of the Month. Two hero basement dweller movies. Dont forget those movie badasses. They worked. Worked. And worked. Its ok under those circumstances. Its not a shameworthy thing.
I lost alot having to live with others. That failure taught me more than 300 successes. Fyi, our relationship is healthy with our daughter but it is FUBAR on the other fronts.
I guess, this is me letting you all know that i weigh the context of things in a situation more than just leaping to conclusions.
The movie Dogma, takes it home with their line. “Its better to have an idea about something, than a belief.”
so i posted one yesterday and felt like a dirty harlot. I had said that my next post was to be the book that fixed me after 48 days had broken me.
Here i was trying to throw a post in after that should have been after this one in order.
So the book that unwired my miswirings and firings after my miswiring led me to the rewiring which leads me to the unwiring.
Its got a cussword in the title and for emphasis. Its that good of a book though. Today is a good day to remind my readers that i cuss. Dont read or follow if offended. I also write steamy things but share none here. My grandfather read smut novels as his only entertainment besides coffee with the boys. I cant wait til im old enough to loiter! When i publish one of these books ive been working on for a decade, even I, might blish
the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Morrison.
Its that fucking good. But its hard telling how someone elses wiring will interpret it. The long and the short of it, is be very choosy about what you give a fuck or a flying fuck about.
Anyone seen Tao of Steve (movie) with the bad vamp from Blade in it as the main actor/character? If you are a virgin, high school dork, read it and mull these wisdoms around a bit. Hitch. 10 Things I Hate About You… Make it through your teens in purity, but know how to “be excellent in their presence and leave,” “some people should have just stayed up on the top of the mountain and gotten stoned,” “look at me, theres no way i should be getting laid right now.” That movie, Tao of Steve. It helped me land my wife 10 years later. Thats what i mean by mulling it over. Spinning it in your thoughts.
Ive been playing guitar 30 years, writing longer than that and it occured to me the other day, what simple thing ive missed. The fact that everyone from Van Halen to SRV to Dimebag, Kirk Hammett to Nirvana have all used this same blues run. Jimmy Page was notorious for using it everywhere. But did the greats ever study that run across all the places on the neck? I think the greats do stuff like that. They think about it long enough, that they unlock secret features.
The most powerful memory that still remains from the book, is the authors cliff detail. Quite a lot to digest in there. Do you get all scared near the cliff or choose different what to care? Caring about too many things will have you a good fifteen feet from that cliff edge. Choosing with care what you choose to care about is how you stand on that edge, pump your arms and embrace the moment. (Safe of course)
“Goody, something new and different for us!” 10 things I hate About You wisdom. If you havent participated in watching these things or reading them, i suggest you do. You do you though. Its funner to have cool things to talk to people about. Thats been a major breakdown in society nowadays. Back in a time previous to the internet, we shared music on the radio, tv shows on the air, and newspaper articles. We had that common thread. Fractured, it is now.
So 48 days sent me on a quest and Not Giving A Fuck, made it all make sense. Somewhere in between those is where our greatest accomplishments reside.
Speaking of Subtle and not giving a Fuck, have a watch of Gran Torino. Its got everything non pc about it. But it drives the point Im making home. Be very choosy what you care abou or allow yourself to care about. Clint Eastwood is a big hero to the not giving a Fuck movement.
So im no longer a dirty little whorelot wearing dirty little sprays because i did post this in order.
Btw, when the 48 days group booted me. I discovered the hypocrisy of it all. So, going it alone, theres not many tribes i fit into. Im more here to maintain my own cool tribe of ruckus makers.
Its like the movie, Rush (Tears in Heaven appeared on the soundtrack for the first time.) This is how i relate to the world of Christians and do gooders and pieous peoples. In the movie the two main characters are drug dealers. But they drug deal on the good side of law enforcement. When they go to the police station, they arent known and are frowned down upon. Even though they are doing a major service setting up these other takedowns of harmful substances, they are viewed as criminals. That is how i know im doing my task. My work dont reside within church walls or boundaries of acceptable fucking language. My tribe of people has important people to reach before its all over and our games are tallied up. I dont fit within my own group of believers. Never have. Thought i was broken a long time over it. Turns out that im safeguarded and must reach other people. My tribe will get the lost to the church, yall dont screw it up when we get em there.
Not being a narc tho. The dissimilar parts of this tale.
So this book should be read along the way. 7 habits of highly Successful people before this one by about a year. Then this one after a few, then 48 days. It would all make sense then.
if you are like me, you will have read a book and gotten it completely wrong. So wrong that people ask, “how the hell did you get that, from that?”
This book im going to talk about, almost ruined my life. It wasnt that the book was written that way. It was My internal wiring going haywire with it. The book is good and it is life changing. So i dont recommend if you are a, ‘take a machete through the jungle and create your own path, then get so lost when people show up to point you to the path’ type of person.
48 Days to the Work you Love. By Dan Miller.
I really got some of his advice wrong because of my wiring. I quit my job that year in Wayland and would wind up with 56 jobs after that book was read. Yeah. Thanks Dan.
Its been a ride. His line in there about having toxic work places and peoples. His “abused spouse syndrome” line is most pertinent.
It really clicked about how far i had continued letting people misuse me as an employee. It sure made me want to start my own business (still in motion) and escape their negativity. But to not replace it with my own negativity either. Fine line of balance.
I listened to his podcasts, gobbled whatever books he recommended, and just immersed into it. Again, that all was on me, how i interpreted it. He wrote it for way less issues type of people. It applies but some of us brokens dont really quite fut that mold.
So dont read it if you had a very difficult past without some kind of internal filter on it. Kidding, kind of. Good book. I do recommend reading it because of its value but be cautious with this, and any life changing book. Your future self thanks you but the obstacles find you. Forcing one to reexamine themselves and greet that gritty crud that doesnt come off baking pans so easy. The stuff you gotta scrub and scrub and work at to resolve. Its easier if those stains never get there in the first place.
I bought (very limited financial year) two books that year. This one (48 days) and From Deerskin to Buckskin, by Matt Richards. I still havent forgotten those details. Many about this in particular. Life changing experience.
I was pointed to this book by Dave Ramsey, circa 2009,(financial whiz and host, teaching common sense again). I read his stuff too. Took that deep. Got debt free last year from all of it. Our emergency fund keeps being a blockage to our goals. Of course, my dyslexia has, on occasion, gotten me to do the opposite of the good wisdom.
i read 48 days, quit my job and made my first leap of much and many. My loving wife made the comment, “i thought we were supposed to be debt free, not income free”. Shes a keeper.
So yeah. I get some simple things wrong and some complicated things right. 60/40.
Started tanning a hide awhile back. First time. That ones not turning out to be easy either. Aint no gimmies. But hides are free to this butcher here and looking forward to leather working, guitar making, meat improving, steak cooking, music recording, story writing, golf cart fanatic, plus 80 other hobbies…….type of person.
Next post will be about the book, that resolved this books rewiring of me.
Prophets of old testament Bible times were rock stars. They had to be. They couldnt have been nobodies. Not with that much reach and influence. They held audiences with kings and high people on the social totem poles. They ate at the large celebrations.
So they couldnt have been joe schmoes or the unimportant.
Maybe they were famous. They put out an album did a few tours and were known that way. They might have stayed away from raunchy music videos with the sort of debauchery others use to get famous.? But they were people who werent yelling random homeless rabblings from the corners of the market and hoping to get noticed.
Maybe they were the Youtube stars of the day. HAd a million camels or whatnot. 3 fountains and 9 harems? But i doubt they were nobodies with that much reach and influence.
Elijah the Tishbite probably had a platinum selling trumpet album before he left Tish and its mountains. Then he got mad at the fame and the expectations of his rock star self and set fire to a cow in a drought?
This is a hypothesis. Feel free to comment below. Im up for lively conversation. Share with friends. Lets ponder whether they were rock stars sticking it to the man or just plain nobodies. One thing is for certain though, i doubt they were pornstars.
Every once in a while, my wife and i joke about each others performance within our daily lives. She makes my coffee. Daily. Not that i require her to do it, she just finds purpose in it. Some days, she gets to sleep in as i sit craving those warm coffee beans turned into their hot brown (super sugary with some creamer) sludge. The bottom of the cup is the best sludge yet. Somedays i joke that im going to leave her a bad yelp review if she doesnt get my coffee. Motivations.
Server was hostile this morning and coffee wasnt made with love.
Hostess refused to serve me for hours as i waited for my simple selection.
Hostility reigned as server angrily tossed ingredients into my sludge this moning.
Server doesnt want a tip but does need demoted. Her attitude today left something to be desired.
I got to imagining if my employers were to have left a bad yelp review of me. You shall have that after some thought. Be ready to laugh your tookus off.
Much love. Remain goofy in your marriages and parenting and friendships. Life is too short not to be busting out laughing at silliness once in a while. Perhaps not at a funeral, unless youre the funeral director wanting a bad yelp review.
Funeral director busted out laughing at my eulogy. Do not recommend dying here with this guy.
Funeral director played musical chairs with the audience. Would not recommend.
Funeral director stole cake from my funeral (whole thing) and it was my favorite. Im going to write postcards as a ghost to this guy!
Another job number in the books. This one was a short lived one. 2 hours 43 minutes. May be my record. Great place just not a good fit for me. I prefer low hanging fruit. Im not afraid or opposed to hard work. I am opposed to working 3x harder than its supposed to be. Great people, great shop, 20 years too late for my story to ride with theirs. My existential crisis: am i really good at butchering or did i just choose that as my identity because it paid my bills?
So their yelp review might read something like this.
Great guy, terrible employee. Left us shorthanded and walked out. Would not recommend this guy to anyone.
Luckily, ive still got my main thing. Whats your yelp review say about you as a person? Would it bother you to think about how people think about you?
At the end, its revealing. It doesnt have to be painful. Like water off a ducks back, let it roll off.
P.s. can we get a real leader running America again? This clown is trouble.
Years ago, i posted a craigslist ad for needing a drummer. I had just started my building trusses job. Broke. Penniless. Making 10 bucks an hour in 2014 and taking care of my family of 6. That was a hard year financially and mentally. I had just been abandoned by my mother and that entire side of the family and was feeling lost. I have always wrote songs but that year, i started piecing my songs together into a more cohesive format. I came up with 4 different albums of interest.
This drummer and i would work hard for the next four years with it all ending before getting it recorded. I went up to Iowa City, from Winfield, barely making enough to cover the gas. The Battle for Twenty Bucks. I had nothing but a dream. All of my 20 dollar trips really hurt me bad.
So many problems in this whole decade. Money was a major factor. So, this drummer wouldnt ever agree to go play these songs live. Fear of embarrassment or whatever it was. I could never convince him to play these songs live. He was a great drummer (no complaints there, ive always drawn kickass musicians to my cause) but 4 years of nailing down songs we were never going to play.
So tbftb affected me. It was an honest to God battle we faced every. Single. Day. Do i put gas in to practice or feed my family. Gas was high (much like today, it depends on a countrys leader, so it seems) food was high, i had eight million other things i could have done with that money but my wife wanted me to pursue my dream. So i started going to open mics everywhere (more of my own money, which i didnt have and couldnt afford, time away to travel to these places, it was always a battle for 20 bucks) and just couldnt pull these songs off (remember i have a horrible memory for my own lyrics and others) without help. I bombed on stage more often than people had the guts to try. But i kept at it. It grew me.
So yeah. Its really too dang bad that we couldnt have recorded our work in a good format and really made this album materialize. I will revisit it in the future but not now. Tbftb is still ready (minus the band) to record.
But its timeless. It applies now too. It is what people are going through. For some of us, money aint never been handed to us (i know, starving artists, even though we all push towards thriving artist categories) and without the right tools, we can never get the job done.
My first band was called Hatchetflower (i kept the name) and featured a kick ass bassist and his old lady on saxophone. We practiced for a month and then went to the infamous open mic night at The Mill (iowa City). It went really well. That night i called in to work and we recorded three songs and drank alot of coffee. The next night, they left. Just moved out to California. I have some hard feelings still about that. It sure made me distrust anyone but me concerning music. Abandonment. Orphaned (musically). Shut down. Deflated. Broke. Penniless. Heartbroken. That has been my way for a very, very long time.
So we all got battles. Some battle addiction. Some battle for even a little bit of livable wage. Some battle through alcoholism or cutting or deaths of loved ones. Some battle to find something that makes them feel alive. Whatever you are battling, the battle is a human condition.
Someday. I am not giving up on these dreams, gifts, talents and where i have taken them from the start. Goals. Get you some long term goals and realize that not everyone who shows up is gonna see it through to its end (a good end, getting heard, getting noticed, building cool art that people relate to.
So keep battling, readers.
Much love. My current album is in the works. Not done yet.